


너의 첫 번째 실수는 날 사랑한 거야. (Your First Mistake Was Loving Me.)

by Han_Jisung_is_a_smol_bean



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Attempt at Humor, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I’m sorry, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Men Crying, Multi, Night Terrors, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Sad Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Tags Are Hard, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26488456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Han_Jisung_is_a_smol_bean/pseuds/Han_Jisung_is_a_smol_bean
Summary: •HOW TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS BROKEN•Gently, lay your hands on their soul like a whisper and find in which they are broken. Then love them until these fractured places become crevies, and the crevies become thin, white scars that that only just barely remember.~Nikita Gill
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Everyone, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Kim Jungwoo, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Mark Lee, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 7
Kudos: 53





	1. 영영 달아날 수있다면 (If I can run away forever)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ this is my first story on this app so pLeAsE bE kInD
> 
> Also be careful in later chapters we will dive into darker/triggering topics so read at your own safety(?)

Tears ran down Doyoung’s face as he watched his once happy home burn to shambles. Neighbors and guests left the scene as quick as they could, silently hoping that their house wasn’t next, but preparing if it was. Random people stood far, taking videos or just staring watching the scene unfold. Doyoung on the other hand, just stood in the grass unmoving. Flames in his eyes reflected those of the ones engulfing his childhood home. Why do bad things always happen to me? He thought as he viciously wiped the tears off his face though they didn’t stop falling. Hesitantly he took a few steps closer to the fire, the sound of wood cracking and burning completely drowned out the voices that shouted his names and the sirens that screeched as emergency vehicles appeared on the scene. 

In the fire he could see his mother’s face, she was smiling at him inviting him into the now almost collapsed house. In a quick moment of desperation, he took off, running directly into the burning building. Unfortunately, though he didn’t make it there. Strong arms circled his midsection pulling him away. “What are you doing?! Get off of me!” He screamed hysterically, twisting his body in weird uncomfortable directions trying to get the arms off him but they just tightened. Only when Doyoung’s whole body went limp did the arms around him loosen just slightly. By the time the fire was put out Doyoung had finally stopped crying. The only evidence that remained was his puffy red eyes and runny nose. He was exhausted, his body ached, his head was blank slowly, his eyes closed, pulling him into the darkness of his own mind.

***************************************** 

The sound of his doorknob being twisted woke him. Reaching out blindly he grabbed the closest object he could use as a weapon which happened to be the social studies book he had been reading before he fell asleep. Doyoung stood behind the door waiting for the perfect moment to attack. A few more seconds of jingling and the door finally opened and a man started to walk into the room, by reflex Doyoung threw the book at the intruder. A thud was heard followed by a groan. 

“Seriously dude, this was literally my house before it was yours,” the intruder Donghyuck said. 

“Sorry,” Doyoung muttered unapologetically as he walked into the kitchen to grab a water bottle. You see, Doyoung had just moved to the city a month ago his excuse was needing a change of location. Which wasn’t a complete lie however it wasn’t the whole truth either but no one needed to know that. He left so suddenly he didn’t have time to look for an apartment so for the first week he was jumping from motel to motel killing his wallet. Luckily he ran into Donghyuck who seemed more than happy to share rent with him. The same week he moved in and after that the rest is history. 

Now there are a few things Doyoung wished he’d known before moving in like Donghyuck’s weird habit of running around the apartment with only his boxers and socks on dancing to Michael Jackson or how he was over affectionate to the point it made Doyoung uncomfortable more times than not (but he wasn’t gonna tell the younger boy that) or how he’d come home past midnight every Tuesday even though he had classes early the next morning. But if there was one thing he wished he would have known above everything else was how frightening his friends were and not in the ‘wow what if they beat me up’ kinda way nothing like that (though he would put it past Renjun) but more in a ‘these people are unpredictable’ way. Every Friday evening Donghyuck, acquainted with Renjun, Jaemin, Yangyang, and Doyoung’s personal favorite Jeno would come over to finish a series the five were watching or just mess around until late at night when they decided it was time to call it a day.

“Hyung, are you listening to me?” Donghyuck asked as he walked into the kitchen taking a seat on the counter. Shaking his head Doyoung set a plate of leftovers in front of the silver haired boy. “I was wondering if you are gonna be busy tomorrow,” the boy sighed. “I have to do overtime tomorrow,” Doyoung answered simply to which he got a hum in response. Doyoung called it a night not long after that. Sluggishly walking to his room not even bothering to take off his day clothes. His eyes fell shut as soon as his head hit the pillow, sleep taking him hostage for the second time this cool night.

A blaring alarm went off at 7 in the morning as it always did, causing Doyoung to stir in his sleep before eventually waking up with a groan. He grabbed his phone silencing the alarm then throwing it at the end of the bed. He stared blankly at the ceiling for about five minutes then shuffled out his room and into the bathroom. He grabbed the speaker that was left on the shelf, connected it to his phone and put on Spotify. When he got into the shower it was hot enough to almost instantly turn his skin a light shade of red, it was slightly uncomfortable but that's how he preferred it. Time went by quickly as he thoroughly washed his body, singing loudly along to the song playing through the speaker. 

“Hyung you mind hurrying up you’ve been in there for like……….45 minutes and as you know I do in fact still have classes this morning,” Donghyuck’s voice boomed from beyond the door followed by three hard knocks. Doyoung sighed, rinsing the soap out of his raven hair making sure all the soap was also off his body before stepping out and rapping his body with a towel and speeding to his room. “I’m out,” he shouted then accidentally (on purpose) slammed the bedroom door. He walked over to a chair placed in the opposite corner of his bed and grabbed the ripped jeans and blue sweater he picked out for himself the day before. After slipping his clothes on he went back to the bathroom to brush his hair and teeth. “Uh…Hyuck can you maybe hurry a little?…I still need to kinda get ready-” Doyoung started but was quickly cut off when the door. He stepped aside slightly letting Donghyuck out so he could get in. 

Fifteen minutes later the pair was waiting for their coffee at a Starbucks on campus. Of course Doyoung had refused but the silver haired boy took it upon himself to drag the raven there. It wasn’t as busy as one would assume for a Wednesday not that anyone was complaining. Within minutes the boys had their drinks and were heading towards the door on their buildings. “I’ll text you later or you can text me whenever you get off later,” Donghyuck laughed. Doyoung didn’t respond, not that the silver-haired boy expected him to, he never does so it’s more as a warning for the raven than anything. Doyoung sighed preparing for another boring day following the same boring pattern he had been since the day he got here


	2. 인생은 참 힘들다. (Life is so hard.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ya girl got another chapter yeye

Doyoung’s feet ached as he ran down the street, but he couldn’t stop, not now at least. If he did there’s no doubt he’d be late for work again, which wasn’t acceptable in his book. Doyoung likes order and plan, he doesn’t enjoy going off the schedule he had made from himself. Of course he knows life doesn’t always go as planned but a man can try. As of lately his schedule has been tighter than usual, no room for trial and error, on top of his college classes and his new work hours there is literally no room for mistakes, no wiggle room. Unfortunately for him today, his professor was in a bad mood and kept the class longer than scheduled, as if it was their fault that her marriage was falling apart. 

When she’d finally released the class it was now a matter of getting through the crowd of students that heard around the hallway like crazed animals being set free to roar a city. Doyoung isn’t short by any means he wouldn’t go as far as saying he’s really tall, maybe a comfortable height, but he’s lean and doesn’t like working out so he’s not very strong. Which makes it extremely difficult to push through the crowd of people. On top of that today is usually the only day of the week he takes the bus because his shift starts a little earlier than usual but right when he makes it out the bus is pulling off. 

So he runs and he doesn’t stop until he reaches the library door. He started at his reflection through the glass trying to fix his appearance the best he could before walking in. It was quiet when he walked in, not many people hung out here which was one of the reasons Doyoung loved working at the library. 

“Hi Doyoung-ah,” the lady sitting behind the front desk smiled. She had been writing something but stopped when she heard Doyoung huffing and puffing. 

“Hello Taeyeon noona,” he barely wheezed out, bowing slightly, putting his bag behind the desk and grabbing the cart full of books so he could put them away. 

It didn’t take him long to put the books away which was a blessing in itself and since practically no one was there Ms.Taeyeon let him study in a little office behind the main desk. He thanked her profoundly and didn’t stop until she just about shoved him in the room and slammed the door shut. He plopped down on the chair letting a content sigh escape his lips. The happy content feeling didn’t last long though, as soon as he powered his phone on the whole mood fell.

  
  
  


**_Partner’s for Mr.Namjoon’s Class..._ **

**_[TY]_ **

**_3:12pm: Hey...it Taeyong_ **

**_3:12pm: Lee Taeyong from Mr. Kim’s class_ **

**_3:14pm: I was wondering when do you want to start the projec_ ** **t**

__

  
  


Doyoung sighed aggressively, debating what he should do considering he completely forgot about the project. ‘ _ Well there goes my plans to study before the big test tomorrow’ _ he thought as he typed a reply.

  
  
  


**_Partner’s for Mr.Namjoon’s Class..._ **

**_[DY]_ **

**_4:00pm: I can work now guess if you aren’t busy_ **

**_4:00pm: I’m at the library right across from the cafe with all the plants in front. When you get in ask the lady behind the desk to send you to me_ **

  
  


Taeyong showed up not even five minutes later which Doyoung found weird but he wasn’t gonna say anything about it. The faded redhead carried in a box of pastries as he walked in, offering a few to Doyoung who kindly accepted. The air was awkward as they ate, neither of the boys attempted to say anything. It wasn’t until all the pastries were gone did Doyoung decide to break the silence. 

He cleared his throat gracelessly, pulling out the assignment to look over the criterion again. ‘ There is no change without hardships and sacrifice’  was printed at the top of the paper  **_“What hardships have you gone through? What do you have to sacrifice to fulfill your dream?”_ ** was written under it. These were the questions Mr.Namjoon talked about a lot. He liked to make his students think whether it was positive or negative that was up to them. So it wasn’t a surprise to anyone when he announced the project. What did come as a surprise was the fact that it was a group project. Doyoung thought it would be ten times better if it was a solo project but Mr.Namjoon insisted that it would be so much more effective if it was a group project even going as far as to personally select each group. 

“So are the oth-” Doyoung started to ask but was suddenly cut off by the room door flinging open and two people shuffling in.

“Sorry we’re late,” the tall one with blonde hair (Doyoung recognized to be Lucas) said bowing then rushing to the seat next to Taeyong, who sat across from Doyoung. 

“We went to the wrong library,” the short brunette (Doyoung concluded to be Mark) chuckled awkwardly as he sat across from Lucas, placing him next to Doyoung. 

Taeyong chuckled offering the two a smile in response. Doyoung, on the hand just stared blankly at the two for a few fleeting seconds before turning his attention back to the paper. He wasn’t mad or anything; he just didn’t see he need to respond. 

“We should use today to get to know each other a little bit,” Taeyong declared after another moment of complete silence. Doyoung assumed it was more for him to get to know the other three since they already knew each other. Not that he didn’t know anything about the boys in front of him.

_ Mark Lee _ and  _ Wong Yuk-hei _ or commonly known as Lucas were known all over campus for their good looks and funny personalities among other things. The two were seen together ninety-five percent of the time practically glued to the hip. If you wanted to find one just search for the other. Their personalities were the physical representation of Yin and Yang, Lucas being flirty, outgoing, and spontaneous while Mark being timid, shy, and reserved. Doyoung had his assumptions about the two, but he didn’t find the need to share them.

Now  _ Lee Taeyong _ was a different case. Not that he wasn’t also known around school because he was just for different reasons. He was labeled as cold and quiet by many. Some rumors were made last year about him. Someone claimed he had done some illegal things in his high school years. It became the talk of school for a few months but eventually people had gotten bored of it. On a few occasions Taeyong was spotted hanging out with Mark and Lucas or some of the other popular kids but he mostly kept to himself. 

“Okay, my name is Kim Dongyoung, but I prefer to be called Doyoung. My birthday is February 1,1996 and-and that’s it.” He spoke monotonously. 

“I’m Lucas. My birthday is January 25,1999 and I have a puppy named Bella.”

“Well…..I’m Mark um...my birthday is August 2,1999….I-....um I lived in Canada before moving to Korea,” he laughed awkwardly.

“And I’m Taeyong as we all know, and my birthday is July 1,1996.”

  
  


After the brief introduction the four boys continued to tell a little about themselves. Trying to familiarize themselves with each other and break the awkward barrier that entered the room as soon as Taeyong did and just kept growing as the other boys arrived. Their conversations only survived because of Lucas and his obnoxious, outgoingness. The younger boy seemed unfazed by the tension in the room almost as if he was not able to feel it. Now that he thinks about it, Doyoung wouldn’t be surprised if that was actually the case. 

************

The session lasted way longer than Doyoung expected. It was almost eleven when he finally made his way back home. He actually had to do some more book organizing before he left which ended up taking longer than he originally thought, so he also closed up the library….promising Ms.Taeyeon he’d make sure everything was set for tomorrow. 

He sighed aggressively as he unlocked the door. To his surprise Donghyuck was lounging on the couch staring at the flatscreen tv as he lazily threw popcorn into his mouth. He’s watching a comedy Doyoung assumed considering the lousy jokes he heard coming from the tv. 

Donghyuck looked comfortable, his fluffy silver hair sat messily on his head. It looked soft, not like he had dyed it about a hundred times before. He was wearing a pair of old navy sweatpants and a tie-dye shirt from some summer camp he went to in tenth grade (Donghyuck had told Doyoung the story one night when neither of them could sleep). His face was relaxed and his eyes were round a childlike glimmer in them. The boy looked soft and innocent to say the least, a side of the boy Doyoung didn’t see often. 

“Hyung?” Donghyuck asked once he noticed Doyoung’s presence. 

“Hyuck...what are you doing? Don’t you have a big test coming up? Shouldn’t you be sleeping or better yet studying?” Doyoung asked as he placed his bags beside the door and slipped out of his shoes.

“It’s not good to overwork yourself. You can’t be under too much stress if you want to do your best,” the younger exclaimed confidently as he sat up from his position on the couch. 

Doyoung just hummed as he started making his way to his bed room. He still had so many things he needed to get ahead of and not enough time for it all. Call him an overachiever but Doyoung has always found the need to be ahead of whatever is going on. His teachers call it a blessing but it’s honestly a curse. 

“Hyung, will you come watch a movie with me?” The younger asked as he eyed the boy who was slowly making his way out the living room. The older just shook his head mumbling something about still having a lot of work to do. Which the other disapproved of. 

“Doie hyung...please watch a movie with me,” Donghyuck begged, jutting out his bottom lip as he latched onto the elders arm. 

Doyoung wanted to refuse, he desperately wanted to push the boy off of him and retreat back to his room. But he was exhausted and his body ached all over so he didn’t complain when the silver haired boy pulled him onto the couch and snuggled into his side. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as he initially thought, the slightly shorter bot was soft and warm slowly making him tired. Doyoung couldn’t follow the plot of the movie they were ‘watching’ he was more focused on keeping his eyes open as they proceeded to get heavier and heavier as the minutes ticked on. Both boys ended up falling asleep on the couch. It was incredibly uncomfortable but they were too tired to care. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I might still be a little boring but we're getting to the more interesting stuff


	3. 나 안 괜찮아. (I'm not okay.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in awhile :(

The following weeks went similar to this except instead of watching a movie with his roommate Doyoung found himself hauled up in his room with four different books opened in front of him. He also hadn’t made any progress with his group project which slightly angered him since they’ve been working on it for about three weeks now. The other boys say he’s overreacting because they have six months to finish it, but he thinks they aren’t understanding the weight this project has on his grade. It was stressful, to say the least. 

Work wasn’t any better. The library has been full as of lately, so Doyoung ended up having to stay longer to get everything done. Not to mention Ms.Taeyeon is going on vacation for three weeks which means  _ Coni  _ will have to sub in for her. Doyoung doesn’t exactly hate Coni but he might as well. The elder man just made people uncomfortable on purpose or he made jokes that were supposed to be funny, but in reality, they weren’t. So yeah it was very stressful. 

Doyoung wasn’t surprised though, his life literally consisted of stress and misery so he had long come to terms with these negative feelings. He used to wish things would get better. He used to stay up until ungodly hours of the night begging and crying, calling out to the darkness that often filled his room wishing it would go away. He didn’t know when it happened or what changed but soon enough he started to find comfort in the darkness and sorrow. He’d even go as far as to seek it out. In a sick twisted way, the thought of him being alone made it easier to continue. Later he found comfort in alcohol. He didn’t exactly mean for this to happen...it was kinda an accident. One night he had been feeling a little down and his uncle wasn’t home so he opened the alcohol cabinet. He hadn’t known what he had taken but it made him feel better so he continued to do it. 

That’s exactly how he found himself here now. At a bar. With far too many empty glasses in front of him to be safe. He didn’t care much, he came here to forget so forget is what he is going to do. Honestly, Doyoung knew this was coming. As the weeks grow colder it reminds him of that dreadful night when his whole life burned right before his eyes many years ago. He’s more than certain he’ll find himself in this–or some other cheap–bar more than in his room. 

Shaking his head, Doyoung gestured ( **read: waved his hand around wildly** ) for the bartender to give him another drink. The man shot him a concerned look but got the drink nonetheless. He downed it in less than a second. At this point he doesn’t taste it nor could he feel the burn it usually gives when it slides down his throat but hey, it is what it is. Though it probably would be more enjoyable...not the point. Doyoung reached out to grab another drink as the bartender offered it but someone stopped him. 

“Haven’t you had enough,” the person chuckled as they grabbed the glass out of his hand.

“Is there ever enough,” he muttered, not caring whom it was he was speaking to. Not that they could hear him over the blaring music. 

After a few brief minutes, Doyoung turned around to see if the person had left. Through blurry eyes, he could make out a tall figure that could only belong to Johnny. He had met Johnny when he had first arrived, the taller boy helped Doyoung around the school. They hadn’t really kept in touch much after that, but every once in a while when they did happen to see each other Johnny was kind enough to stop and say hi or even have a small conversation. Just like now.

“What are you doing here?” Johnny questioned, as he sat down next to Doyoung. “I didn’t think you’d be one to get drunk on a Thursday,” he chuckled.

Doyoung shrugged his shoulders, “what are YOU doing here?” He rebutted.

“I work here,” Johnny laughed, “I told you that before.”

Doyoung hummed, reaching for the glass Johnny had set on the table and downed it. The pair just sat in silence after that. The sound of chatter and whatever song the DJ was playing filled the awkward atmosphere around the two making it more bearable. Not even five minutes later Doyoung ordered another drink, offering one to Johnny who kindly declined. This went on for about half an hour longer before Johnny decided to call it a night for both of them. 

Doyoung didn’t have the strength to fight or even complain as he got dragged out of the building. It was cold...very cold, dark, and silent. The only noise that could be heard was the breathing of the two and the wind when it blew a little too hard for comfort. Doyoung could barely walk correctly relying on Johnny to hold up most of his weight. Not that the older boy minded. Rain lightly sprinkled barely noticeable at first, but got harder the longer they walked.

_ ‘How does he know where I live?’  _ The thought briefly appeared in Doyoung’s mind but it was gone before he could clearly register it. The next task he needed to focus on was unlocking the apartment door. Slowly he took the keys out of his pocket with shaky hands. Due to his uncoordinated hands, it was difficult to put the key into the hole. After a few long minutes of struggle, the door finally opened on the other side of the door stood Donghyuck with a baseball bat in hand. 

“Oh my god, Hyung you scared me! I thought you were a robber or something,” the youngest of the three said as he placed the bat back into the umbrella rack. 

Johnny apologizes while Doyoung only grunts, hurdling himself onto the couch. He popped down harder than intended causing the springs in the item of furniture to squeak. He dropped his head on the cushion and rested his eyes. Light whispers can be heard from Doyoung's roommate and Johnny however he could seem to catch what they were saying or care for that matter. 

Soon enough Donghyuck came back. Though Doyoung’s eyes were closed he could feel the younger’s piercing gaze. “...are you okay?” He whispered, worry evident in his voice. It makes complete sense that he's worried. Doyoung had told the younger that he hates drinking (a lie) and now all of the sudden he comes home drunk. Warning bells would go off in any normal person’s head. 

“No?” The raven responded. It was less confident than he meant it to. “I’m sad Huckie,” he laughed as if it was the funniest thing he has ever heard. His cheeks, still slightly red from the intoxication. Doyoung doesn’t know why he laughed, maybe it’s because of how brutally honest he was, mostly because he was drunk. 

The silver-haired boy hummed leaving the room a few minutes after that and came back with a tall glass of water handing it to his Hyung. Who kindly accepted it, bringing the liquid slowly to his lips and sipping the drink. No one said anything basketing in the calmness. From the outside looking in it may have seemed awkward or maybe even a little uncomfortable however the boys felt neither of these. This kind of atmosphere was perfect to think in. Suddenly Donghyuck got up tugging Doyoung with him. 

“It’s time for bed hyung,” the younger whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Do enjoy!! Also if there is a specific member you want Doyoung to have an interaction just leave the comment and I'll see what I can do ;)
> 
> Stay safe leave comments and whatnot (if you'd like lmao) 
> 
> ~Until Next Time~


End file.
